Do you want to write your feelings here

Do you want to write your feelings here?


I am a 19 yr old living alone for now.
My father is in a hotel right now, he has come to meet me.
He and my mom will be shifting to this city.
I will have to live with them then.

I was 8 when I fell in love.
I relocated.
Call me crazy but the love stayed.
Thanks to Facebook, I found him when I was 15, and confessed.
He said he liked me too.
We messaged some more and one day he asked me to send him nudes.
I realised something wasn't very right.
I told him I was on my period.
He said OK.
And then blocked me.
I was stupid enough to be heart broken.

I kept it all to myself.
It's amazing how no one in my family has noticed.
Until one day my mother found my journal.
I am from a very conservative family.
My mother made me confess.
She was disgusted with me.
She told me girls like me are called “prostitutes”.
She told me I had no shame.
Something between me and my mother snapped.

Afraid that my mother read my journal again, I stopped writing in it.
She could have handled it better.
She should have handled the situation better.
Because the only thing that stayed with from that day was that my mother doesn't trust me anymore, that she doesn't love me any more.
One more thing that stayed with me was that I had brought shame to my father, a great and ideal man.

Some time after this happened, my father who was working in a different city then, came home for my birthday.
My mom didn't say anything to him.
She pretended all was well, I played along.
That night me, my mom and my dad slept in the same room.
I was sleeping in the middle.
My mother had fallen asleep.
I held her and wept softly.
I really loved my mother and I didn't want to lose her.
She was still sleeping.
I was wide awake.
That was when it happened.

I felt my father's hand running my back.
His hand was beneath my top.
He didn't realise I was awake.
He hand moved to my breast and started pressing.

My body froze.

He turned me around, lifted my top unhooked my bra and started sucking my nipples.
He was on top of me.
My hands were pinned down.
My relatives were in the same house.
I didn't scream.
I tried to desperately somehow reach my mother.
I couldn't, she was still sleeping.
Until finally somehow I pushed him off.
He had touched me, he hadn't engaged in intercourse.
Maybe god saved me somehow.
He didn't climb on me again that night.
I lay on the bed my body numb, my parents on either side with their backs turned to me.
I was in the middle, praying.
At that moment I wanted to wake my mother and tell her.
But I didn't because I felt she wouldn't believe me and probably blame me for whatever happened because the trust that she had in me was gone.

My relationship with my mother is recovering now.
Yet, I don't think she trusts me.
Because my father's sexual abuse still hasn't stopped and I still haven't told her.

My father has fingered me.
He has rubbed his penis on my foot.
If I sleep alone, he comes to my room and touches me inappropriately .
He once came to meet me in the city I am living in right now.
When I was asleep, he started kissing my back, put his fingers into my vagina.
I tried to push him off when he pinned down hard a d whispered “JUST FOR SOMETIME, IT'LL FEEL GOOD, LET ME COMPLETE OR YOU WILL BE DISTRACTED AND WON'T BE ABLE TO STUDY.
” I pushed him off and ran to the bathroom and locked myself up and cried.
When I came out of the bathroom, I avoided making eye contact with my father.
He shamelessly told me what he did was because he really loved me and he didn't want me to go finding a boyfriend because that would distract me from my studies.

I see my father, he pretends nothing has happened and I go along with it.
But when he is alone with me in a room, or anywhere close to me, my brain immediately starts chanting a prayer.
I can't say anything, because he is providing for my education, I have no job.
I will end up on the road or else.
So I just somehow avoid him.
Sometimes I am lucky, sometimes I am not.
I don't know what will happen to me when I and my parents will have to live together in some days.

I am not allowed to wear shorts, and until very recently I wasn't allowed sleeveless clothes (for which I had to fight with my parents), I am also not allowed to fall in love because “all the men in the world are devils".
I don't know if that is true, but the men in my life are definitely monsters.
They have eaten up a very important part of what I was before all this happened.

I tried telling my friends, it didn't work.
If I try telling a relative, they won't believe me because my father is a very “respectable and ideal” human being.
I got so frustrated with everyone that I have distanced myself from everyone.
I don't know if I have done anything good for anyone in my entire life, but I know I have been a good person and have never wronged anyone other than myself.
I don't know what I have done to deserve this.

If there is a parent reading this, please remember it is important for your child to trust you.
Talk to them nicely.
If they are scared of you, they will suffer without telling anyone else.
Listen to them when they talk about their best friend growing out of their friendship, about the boy/girl who has broken their heart.
Tell them it is normal, it's ok, it's fine, that it won't matter, that you don't hate them.
If they do anything wrong, shout at them all you want but later please please tell them for a week at least that you still love them, that you care for them, that you trust them, that you haven't given up on them.
Because that is what I wanted my mother to do.
And that is what she didn't do.

If you know someone who has been sexually abused, calm them down.
Gently convince them to talk to you.
Get them to trust you.
Don't shout “I'll go to the police” unless you mean it that too only if the victim is ready for it.
You don't have to be the hero, let the victim fight her/his battle, but please please support them.

I look normal, I laugh loudly, no one can look at me and figure out what I have been through.
But everyday I get up with a sinking feeling in my stomach.
I have a constant head ache.
At night, I always cry myself to sleep.
If you are a victim yourself, I don't know how to stop all these feelings.
I don't know how to get rid of the feelings of shame, the frustration, the sudden burst of anger, the tears.
I don't know.
What I know is I have finally confessed.
And now I am going to work so hard that I reach a position and status where people will take notice when I tell them about this and take action.
Because that is all that I can do for now.

If you have read till the end, thank you, confessing all of this felt good.
Maybe from today, I will grow a little braver day by day and finally muster up enough courage to confess without going anonymous.

For sometime, please include people like me in your prayers.
Thank you once again.


I am currently living in Kolkata.
I am 19 years old and I live in a hostel.
Two years from today I entered this institution( India’s highly acclaimed).
I got into the first merit list.
I didn’t wanna purse commerce further, something stirred inside me and made it clear.
I told my parents.
They asked me “So, then what do you want to do? “ I wasn’t prepared with an answer and the admission was the next day.

If you are baffled about one thing doesn't implicate that you’re clear about the other.

In the very first semester, I was seated next to the most brilliant minds in my class.
Our college has a strict seating arrangement.
They were all pursuing CA.
I was not lured into it.
But the kind of pressure and seduction it created on the outsides outweighed my instincts.
Having a handsome academic isn’t affirmative always.

“The salted expectations saturate on our spirits like weights and then break them.

In a gradual weightless sort of feeling, I appeared for Level 1 (CPT) ( I studied decently though, the pressure of a “fail-kar-gaya” embarrassment.
Unfortunately, I cleared.
They were already in their 2nd level.
I had had to rush to catch on.
Something I couldn’t understand.

My father poured in a sea of money into the coaching business for Level-2 (IPCC).
He is not that rich of a man who wouldn’t feel a thing at the end of the month plunging thousands of rupees once at a time( It sure was hard on their budgets).
We call it Investment.

I slogged into the frantically burdening lifestyle of a typical CA student juggling a regular engaging college, handling sullen ambitious expectations and at the same time armoring myself against twitched sharp comments of ‘slow-movement’.
It seemed like a war with no enemy to fight against, no territory to conquer.
Just battle.

Gradually, the entire environment around started judging me, despising me, rattling my esteem like rag dolls.
I registered into the comfort of an unknown darkness.
Depression, they name it.
That scrotum-tightening, cheerless, mouthful-mouthless feeling.

Taking calls, meeting friends, visiting home and things like that just deleted out my to-do lists serendipitously.
I got arrested in the company of self-indulgence and withdrew from the lively silently.
It sounds too dramatic when I write like this, but the truth is truth you can’t mess with that.

I have grown accustomed to this silent style of living, aloofing from conversations, hiding in my own vacuous spaces within the structure.
To think, try n understand but never voice.
I read sometimes and exsist in my depressingly protective shell in a sort of sanctimonious style.
I feel sorry about that.

It isn’t that I have been disturbed about my positional melancholy.
I am concerned about the repercussions, this tide would ripple in my parent’s lives.
Their stringently indisposed futures glued to mine like magnets.
I am worried.


Yes, it’s a bit long story!!
Brief introduction of my family- My father is a govt.
employee.
He usually gets transfers that’s why we don’t live with his family but he is homesick, so every time when he gets a holiday we all 4 members including ,me my younger brother(let y), my mother (let z) and my devil father (let d) goes to his place .
He never sees whether it’s our holiday or not or if our exams are there or not, I am in class 10th and Y is in 8th he never compromise.

Their at his place his parents that is my grandparents always shows that they care and love their DIL and grandchildren but they are more worst when D is not around.
Both of the D’s sisters always tried to demoralise or insult my mother.

You might think that they should be living in village or might be they are not educated but D’s father is MA and Med her mother is MA and Bed they both were too in govt.
school and retired as principal .
Both of the D’ sister are Msc.
And Bed and are employed in govt, schools.
D’ s elder brother is a businessman and a lawyer too his SIL is also a govt.
school teacher.
His whole family lives in a capital city of a state.

My mother , Z is also Msc and Bed but who cares .

Here the story begins-
D suffers from insomnia and severe headache I fact his whole family suffers from insomnia and all takes tablet to have a sleep at night.
D easily gets irritated because of this and many a times I have seen D beating and cursing Z.

I was only 4 or 5 when started using my senses and I just saw his both my parents fighting.
Everyday till today it has become D’s schedule to beat X with whatever he founds and curse her with all his might, he uses such words which I can’t write over here even when we were too small to understand this .
When me and Y were around 10 we used to suggest our mom to take divorce we can’t see her like this , we will manage but you leave this devil and we used to ask why didn’t she complaints , the only reply of hers make us cry , she says because of you , she don’t want that our education should loss.
She says when you both will graduate and pursuing your career I will leave this man.
Because she think all alone she could not get us into a good and big school like we are currently studying in.

We just hate D from starting he used to say Z that you are the charm if you smiles my destine would be lucky but your single smirk makes it worse .

Many a times he has been beating Z in such a way that she bleeds from most her places , she sobs in such a way that makes us furious to kill that D but she always stops by saying that he is your father .
I know Z she has promised that she will not take a wrong step and she is Truely an inspiration for me .

She is so brave due to her scars she just wanted to be at home which results in that now she suffers from .
Anthropophobia.

Worst part is when D beats Z in front of his parents they didn’t even utter a single word.

And now today she gets ready and asks him that she wants to go to doctor not because of her because she wants for me as my periods are irregular and many more problems which I am facing so .
But he gets up start cursing like you want to kill me can’t I rest always creating problems for me.
Like this he starts cursing and in no time he starts beating her.
Currently she is sobbing which is enough for us to be furious.

Not only her but he even beats us me and Y .
He didn’t even see the place we have been beaten brutally by him on roads , markets and even on railway station.
His favourite place to beat Z is in the car, he beats her on every ride we have in car.

He creates such an atmosphere in our home and expects 95% from us in exams, my boards are there this year and don’t know what I will do .
He hates me also.
He even says that why I had give birth to such a child like you it would be better if you were not born and I usually gets many pimples on seeing this he used to say such a ugly daughter I have produced , it would be better you were not born which is enough for me to get demoralise.
Till 8th std.
I have given more than 90% every time but last year I have given 84%.

Now he used to blame my mom that you have made his children introvert as he is a extrovert so he wanted us to be so.
He always scold her that she has not given manners to us even he doesn’t know that the whole colony praises her that she has groomed her children so well.

I am still crying while writing this and usually thinks what kind of life we are living but gets motivated on seeing her.

Now , she even says that if I didn’t even get curse A day that feels like something is missing.

I


Hey there.

I don't know what's happening with me but right now I want someone in my life.
I was never that kind of a person who wants to come in a relationship.
I was having one friend to whom i used to share everything and anything.
And in return i used to get the best advice.
Whenever I used to feel alone he was there to listen me on call.
But suddenly he blocked me from everywhere.
And seriously i felt disheartened.
I used call him my great brother, my strength.
But now everything has changed.
I have changed my school this year so i don't that awesome friends now.
I feel so alone now.
There are so many things that are going through in my mind.
I am not able to handle my life as i want to.
And this makes me depressed.
I don't study thinking that I'll study later but that later never comes.
Everyone calls me when they need my help for whatever reasons, i give them as much i can but when i want that nobody understands me.
I have a friend whom i like so much and i want him to be a part of my life but i never share problems with him nor he does that and i am Very confused about him.
.
I am preparing for clat with my 11th standard study but nothing is going ok.
Every night before hitting the hay i get depressed because like every day i have wasted one more day of my life.
I don't why i need someone to be with me all the time cause i know there is no one in this world who is only yours except your parents.
Hormonal changes going through in me distracts alot.
I have my own personal phone, that also wastes my most of the time.
Please help.


A Near death Experience
Yes that’s correct a near death experience , lemme tell you all something about me which will be relevant for understanding my answer, well i am a hydrophobic not a extreme one but yes i am among those who will never get into the shore even if there is low tide or will never enter the pool .

Today In India (For Non-Indian Readers ) we celebrate Holi ( Festival of Colors , Non Indians can google it) well i don’t play it but playing PUBG or working on the day wont even make sense, so, we some friends Planned to spend the day in a Good way and bought the passes for the Holi event which was a water park ( for the record till date i had never visited a Water Park, sounds strange yes now u can understand what i am trying to explain), well we entered and the first thing i inquired was the depth of the pool well it was adjustable as it was coming to my waist or a little above that , not much deep, well the music started and the party begin and during the process i landed on a short water slide which was not much heighted.

I slide down and landed in the water with my face inside it (i can feel that experience even while typing this ) and felt like i am being pulled by someone inside the water , if you must have read a story called “ Deep Water” the experience was nearly the same, or i should say it was exactly the same , though it was a 3–4 second moment but these 3–4 seconds were the most horrible seconds of my life , and like the story i referred above among the three faces the immediate two faces which came in front of me was my Mom and Dad , confirming to myself that i wont survive this , i wont make back to them and deep down drowning into the blank spaces and in a split of a second i was out of the water like a pull, blanking me to what has just happened.

I with shivering body came out of the pool and sat down with tears in my eyes , the tears of fear , shock and happiness of being alive, tears of valuing life .
I Gathered my courage glued my pieces back and acted as nothing has happened joining back the party.

I am not a very emotional person , i am strong enough to deal with things and even by some called as “Khadus” but deep down today the emotions came out , death can make anyone do anything and every one has to kneel before this dark truth , being frank i am still shivering while writing it down, but this day will always be remembered , not because of i met the reality but because it showed me importance of people.

I am not going anonymous for this as i have no family members here on this platform, and neither i can discuss it with my family.

Thank you for reading


I met him when I just broke up with my very first love.
I was still in an unstable emotional state.
Every day, I was still thinking about my ex and our time together.
But I decided to go on a blind date with this new guy anyways.
I didn’t have so much expectation until I saw him.
He was a decent guy.
He was very nice to me.
We clicked and got pretty comfortable with each other.
However, at that time, my heart was still occupied by my ex.
So I rejected him after 2 months dating.
He was trying to kiss me, and I dodged it and ran away, leaving him feeling rejected.

Fast forward 3 years later, I was just over my relationship.
I’m no longer the same person 3 years ago that cried over a guy because I know he’s not worth it.
I then thought about reconnecting with the guy I briefly dated 3 years ago.
I decided to do some social media stalking to make sure he’s available before making the move.
His instagram does not show any couple pictures.
But I happened to find out another girl’s instagram that has him on her profile picture.
It was a selfie of both of them, suggesting a strong possibility that they’re a couple.
I got so devastated.
I know this sounds ridiculous, but I really missed the time we dated because he was very nice to me.
And even though we didn’t bond deeply, I felt like I’m heart broken again.
This time, I was in a better state of mind to know that he’s the right one for me, but it maybe too late already.
I find myself comparing to her.
I find myself getting very jealous of that girl.
I try hard to improve myself everyday , but at the end of the day, I cry a lot because I know I’m regretting my past decision and trying to fight for something that’s no longer mine.

At this point, I feel so devastated.
He was a good guy for me.
And I didn’t treasure it.
I don’t even know for sure if they’re an actually couple.
But judging from their selfie on instagram, I doubt if any close male/female friends would do that.
I don’t know if I should just text him anyways and try to get a date to figure things out, or should I just forget him and move on with my life ? There are so many uncertainties involved.
I just don’t know what to do at this point.
Maybe he doesn’t have anymore feelings for me , and me texting him would just make me look like a fool…


I am thankful today.
Just for the small earrings I got.
It isn't gold, it's just a piece of junk one gets in a street shops.
You know why? Because it is a gift.
And after an age, someone gifted me something.
A female colleague had just thought about me and got it.

Surprised? Because I have been giving throughout my life.
And now I can't anymore.

I am fed up- Fed up with everything and everyone.
I am tired of nothingness around me.
I am fed up with people blaming narcissists and bipolar stuff in their lives.
I am fed up with the ex-bf gf love hate relationship stories.
I thought marriage are for lifelong, I know I would only be able to commit once and forever no matter what happens.

Don't get me wrong, I infact have a very peaceful life currently after a long period of hardships of finding a job.
No such stories or heartbreak or sexual assault!
I am straight, single woman in my 30s who after facing enough rejections in arranged marriage meetings, wanted people to leave me alone.
My parents were orthodox so they allowed me to study and work only on condition that I will go for an arranged marriage.
Now even they regret since I have crossed the so called threshold of marriage age.
I can and will manage my simple life, I don't have a very high income, but I can live alone happily.
I am the girl next door type.

But then it's not easy.
Single woman in India? That too beautiful? That too without any affairs? That too earning? That too who can manage both office and home? That too simple and caring? My married men friends don't understand why on earth I was still single.
Even women admit me that any good guy would be happy forever with me.

Nobody is ready to leave me in my own world, esp my relatives.
Every time I meet another guy in the matrimony site, I get disgusted with their and their families behaviour towards me.
Sometimes I think I should send them to school to learn manners.
At least treat me as human, if not equal.
I simply don't get along anyone even how hard I try to ignore their flaws.
I don't want to get into an unemotional arrangement and create misery in any guy’s life.
Love never knocked at my door, I kept myself shut because of my own values and principles.

I had my own hardships in life, and somehow found a job.
People tend to borrow money from me and never return it.
Relatives expect me to spend money on them and are never thankful, I don't get any gifts honestly from anyone.
And I am now expected to marry one demanding guy just because I know how to give.
Strange world.
Isn't it?
I used to love to be able to gift others.
Now I simply know that they expect me to keep doing the same and yet look down upon me because I am a woman.
God, don't make me a woman in my next life….
.

I don't know how I feel.
It's just wondering that I am still in 18th century and world is so selfish….


That will be a Good Start so that I can share my feelings to the World of (Quora)…
To this day, I am 40 years old and have a beautiful life living in Mexico, on the coast of Paradise (The Caribbeans); a life that I could never ever have imagine living to this day when I was growing up in this world.

My life started on the Streets of Seoul, South Korea when I was a child (infant) back in Year 1977.
I could never ever imagine a blood biological family abandon their own child living on their own to survive as a very young child and that was exactly what has happened to me.
I survived and lived on the rough streets of Seoul, South Korea while I was very very young age till I was 6 years old.
The only way I could survive was through much love and much support from strangers all around me.
I was a very blessed human being as a very young age child because the universe protected me that I could never ever imagined.

While I was on the streets as a very young child, a local police officer founded me on the streets and took me to an orphanage that was based in Pusan, South Korea.
At that time, I was just 6 years old and I was living with many many other young children in this one HUGE Housing facility.
While I was there living with many children having a beautifully good time and also doing labor work at a very young age.
It was not fun at all doing labor work but it happened while I was there.

So, one day; an American Family came to my orphanage in Pusan, South Korea from the USA and wanted to decide to adopt a child.
There were so many children to choose from.
And what these people did was through elimination process and after awhile.
These lovely american family choose me to adopt and WOW.
What a DREAM COME TRUE.
!!! They choose me and I started from the streets and now flying to America in 1984 to Los Angeles, California.
Before that, I was staying in Berlin, Germany for 6 months with foster parents before I arrived to the states.
When I did arrive to the airport, I met all my adopted family and that is when I started a brand new beautiful life with an amazing and beautiful American Family.

My very first American Food ever: Imagine this, one and only McDonald’s.
True, Very True.
While my new adopted family and I was driving to our home in Oakhurst, California.
We stopped by a fast food Joint called Good Ole American Food McDonald’s.
I never knew and had any idea what this food was like because I never experienced it before but it was DAMN GOOD food as hell.
I had so many hamburgers and french fries that it was unbelievable.
It is one of those things that I can never forget in my life time (Good Memories).

The location we lived in Oakhurst, California was located up in the mountains of Sierra.
What an Amazing and also beautiful place to live at.
The home that we lived in almost felt like the countryside up in the mountains because we had so many animals and also a farm for our 2 horses to live in.

Getting back to the beginning, how I ended up in the beautiful Paradise Coast of Mexico (Caribbeans)….

I joined the US Navy (Military) back in 2002 and serviced honorably till 2006.
After year 2006, my adopted family did something that was beyond amazing.

In year 2007, I went to this Town/City in Texas called San Angelo, Texas.
I was living there for about 9 months and trained very hard mentally and also physically because I was going to do something that was very demanding to my life: To become a Buddhism Monk.
I did a lot of Research for many different monasteries in Tibet because that was my ultimate goal to reach to that location and start living as a monk.
My plan was to go to India and train and eventually land in Tibet.
In year 2008, I eventually did go to India and took a local bus from the bus station from New Delhi to the Himalaya Mountains.
When I did arrive to the Himalaya Mountains, something happened that changed the course of my life of becoming a Buddhism Monk.
I had to choose if I wanted to LIVE or DIE because of what happened to me while I was in the Himalaya Mountains.
So, my choice was to live and I went to the US Embassy in New Delhi and they guided me back to the USA.

Eventually, while I was in the USA.
I had to decide what I wanted to do in my life.
And my choice was to live simple and peace and I could not do that in the USA at all.
So, I decided to leave USA and go to Mexico.
My final designation in the USA was in Las Vegas, Nevada and I stayed there for almost 11 months.

I left the USA in Year 2010 and flew to Cancun, Mexico and that was the beginning to my whole new life again.
While I was in Cancun, I lived in a hotel for 2 years in the downtown of Cancun close to 5 minutes from the beautiful beach.
Then, I moved to Playa del Carmen and lived there from 2012 to 2015.
I also lived in Mexico City D.
F.
from 2015 to 2016 and then lived in San Christobal del las Casas, Chiapas for 6 months and finally living back in Playa del Carmen…
TRUELY… The Coast of Mexico is a Paradise (The Caribbeans)
The end story- NEVER have regrets no matter what if life is good or bad and always enjoy life to the fullest.


I will be turning 17 on 15th December and tbh I am not excited even a bit.
I feel like I’m already tired of living, going to school and all.
My life is a mess, really.
When I was 13, my dad had cheated on my mom a couple times and they finally divorced when I was 15.
I was relieved and glad because my parents used to fight everyday and my father even hit my mom.
About a year later, I found out that they are remarrying and until this moment, I don’t know how it happened.
I have asked my mom and she only said that me and my siblings need our father.
She doesn’t want us to live without a father.
Until now, I can see that she’s still trying to fix our broken family and it ached my heart.
She doesn’t care if she has to live with someone she doesn’t love, as long as her children can live like other kids.
Before my father cheated on my mom, we used to be the perfect family that everyone wish for.

Since it happened, it has changed me.
I used to be an outgoing person and i really loved to make friends.
I would start a conversation with a random stranger in a queue at McDonalds.
I just loved to social with people.
But now, I don’t even want to speak with my relatives.
Everytime they come visit, I wish I could just stay in my room but I don’t want to embarrass my mom.
In short, I want to be alone all the time.
Now, my self esteem is low and I have no confidence in anything at all.
Plus, I’m such an awkward person.
REALLY AWKWARD UGH.

But I’m still happy because of a few things.
First, because I still have God with me.
Since my family had broken apart, I started to find peace.
I know no one could help me except God.
The reason why I am still breathing to this moment is only because of God.
Before my father had done that terrible thing, I had never been religious and never thanked God for what He had given me.
But i’ve changed.
Each day I began to take a step forward closer to God and I found myself getting stronger everyday, for my mom.

Next, I love to read.
Only God knows how much I love to read.
I can lock myself in my room and only read all day.
Of course, I love fiction books.
The last thing I wanna do is burdening my mom to buy me books because phew, they are not cheap.
So I read on wattpad.
I even download free e-books.
They are pretty good.
My favourite genre is historical fiction :) And hmm, my only interest is reading.
I have very little interest in music.
If you asked me even the most popular singer in the world, maybe I wouldn’t know.
I am not into social media as well.
The other thing that I love to do is watching movies :)
The other thing that really makes me happy and looking forward in life is my mom.
I can’t wait for the moment where I’ll be working and getting paid, so that i can buy her things and take her on trips.
I would provide everything for her and take care of her.
All i want to do is make my mom happy.

I don’t know if anyone really would read all these paragraphs but I wrote them because I just wanna let out my feelings and relax.
:)


Thank God I came across this question.

It all started in August 2018.

I started having feelings for a senior I never talked to.
I used to see him in the corridors, and during lunch.
It began as a tiny little crush.
“Oh wow, he looks good”.
My best friend obviously believed otherwise, but well.

We talked for the first time in September.
We talked for a good two minutes about a band that we happen to listen to when he overheard me talking about it.
We even gave each other a high five and a fist bump.
Damn, I was happy as hell.

We didn’t talk again.
Ever again.

This boy, lets call him ‘B’.
He has millions and millions of girl friends (notice the space).
As far as I know, he has only one ex-girlfriend, and let’s call her ‘K’.
She’s hella pretty, not gonna lie.
Now, my best friend happened to know K’s best friend – let’s call him ‘P’.

B, K, and P used to go to the same tuition (you can’t exactly call it tuition but ok).
P and K had dated before, but now they were just best friends.
Eventually, B and K started dating, and they later broke up because they couldn’t meet as often.
My bestie asked P, about B.
How he’d treated K.
Turns out, the guy’s a douchebag.
Used the girl, left her heartbroken.
Feels like a slap on my face.

I’m in a constant state of “oh I don’t have feelings anymore’ and ‘oops guess I still do’.

Trust me, I want to get over him.

And guess what? Before this, in February 2018 we’d sat next to each other.
We didn’t talk at all and we were complete strangers.
That was the first time I ever saw him before.
I’d come a little late to an exam and the only free spot was next to him.
After the exam he hadn’t really crossed my mind again.
Little did I know he’d become so important a few months later.

And now, there's this other girl who likes him, let’s call her ‘A’.
She's made it obvious in all possible ways – a junior like me could notice it.
Hovers around him all the time, etc.
One of my classmates who’s friends with her told me too.
Every time I see her all over him, it sorta breaks my heart.
Not like oh-my-god-I’m-depressed-kill-me, but just a teeny-tiny bit.
And with the amount of girl friends he has, there's no way to say if he reciprocates or not.

I’m so fed up of this and it’s so stupid I can’t possibly imagine.
Height of stupidity, I assure you.
Never thought I’d go to such lows.
I keep asking myself how on earth I let this happen, but it’s not like I’m going to get an answer.
But I’m sure as hell embarrassed of it.


Mine might not be as bad but when I recognize the early symptoms of depression I must vent out to get rid of some of the negative feelings, I’ve went trough depression before and I’m feeling pretty down right now so before I go to deep I’ll write how I’m feeling right now just to vent.

I’m in my mid 20’s never went on a date with a girl before, recently I’ve found a girl who constant stares at me in class,she sits 4 seats to the side of me and the class was empty today for some reason so there was no one between us.
Every time she stares at me she would brush her hair, at times we both would make eye contact for a few seconds and then both of us would break eye contact right away, she’s been doing this every time we are in class.
Today she wore more make up then usual and I can’t help but look at he the whole time.
Since there was no people between us she decided to face her body/torso towards me that made me a bit happy.

I have a gut feeling that she might have a thing for me, but… I’m terrified, I’m terrified that she might reject me, terrified that if we do converse I would be too boring for her, terrified that I will never attract a girl again, terrified that I would be too much of a loser for her, she is a shy and introverted person and I’m am the same, after reading a few answers about introverts I only get more discouraged, I try to think positively, I try to talk to her everytime we have class together but I COWARD OUT EVERY TIME… I’ve had many crushes before talked to them normally but her why is she so hard to talk to.

Anyways I’ve only 1 month before the semester ends and she moves to a college 1 hour away, just 30 more days and the only interaction we’ve had was me introducing myself… 30 more day is not enough for me to get to know her and date her… I’m too late… I’m always scared I know its just a crush but this one feels different.
Why does a man have to initiate everything, why does my crush have to be a shy introverted female, why do I have to impress with my first impression it takes me time to come out of my shell but most women only want men who are fun, funny and confident on their first impression.
I can be fun, funny and confident I just need time as an introvert I just need time get comfortable with a girl.
Meeting girls are so hard and its even hard to find ones that show interest in me.
I want to get to know her and be friends with her before asking her out but 1 month… thats too little… I hate how cowardly I am… I just want to tell her how I feel but I’m too cowardly.
I only feel happy when she’s around but I feel like cr*p when I fail to talk to her.

bunch of scribbles bad grammar and nonsense just venting no worries I do feel a bit better after all this venting.


It was about time he decided that enough was enough and write on quora :).
At least one person will read it.
His mind was swirling into the thoughts.
He reached oblivion.
The depression, anxiety, ignorance, failures throughout life forced him to find a way out; once and for all.
The inner conflict he battled all his life to prove that is not a wrong person, yet always ignored, yet always sidelined and thought that still he will succeed and make others think highly of him But eventually life sucked the last bit of positivity left in him and as others around his age made big, he spiraled down, each passing day.
Yes, laziness was his friend all his life, yes he works hard for a while, but no matter what he did or thought, he was always an option.
He was always ignored; he was always a guy in the group who is there because he is there.
He was not needed, he wasn't desired, no one batted an eye when he was not around.
People only responded to his calls and messages, never initiated.
Maybe he was no one to them, no matter how highly he regarded many of them no matter how much missed them, he was always the OTHER GUY.

Misunderstood, misinterpreted, and misquoted everywhere, including his own home.
People find solace at work, or at home or outside the world or with friends, but in his case, he was always running at these places to feel needed but in vain.
When at the office he missed home, when at work he missed going out, when out he was lost and thought of going home.
On weekends he missed office, and on Monday morning, he missed home.
There was no peace, there was no solace only solitude.
A good friend one day will act like a stranger the next day.
For no reason, upon asked, he got a universal clichéd line – just like that.
.
.
no no I am good just not feeling ok.

No one ever told him that they were not OK with him.
.
they were normal with others around.
Traveled 7 countries.
Lived in 2 still all he head was solitude.
People have friends from school, colleges, neighbors, cousins, offices, he knew all, but friend – NONE.

Even when in school days were gone, the friends left.
However, they all have to get together they are still THE GROUP but he never gets invited or anybody talk.
Reason.
NO IDEA.
.
same goes for college, university, ETC ETC.
,.
People only talk when he is around.
, once he leaves, there is no one who gives a shit what happened or where he ends up and how and why.

He tried to muster the thought as to why it happens, asked the question himself a million times, What did I do where did I go wrong that no matter who much I put in an effort in a relationship.
I never make an impact help in all possible ways I can.
All the time, going out of the way.
but it is just never enough.
.
the talk stops where the benefit ends… am I vulnerable? Do I give negative vibes and thoughts, where do I go wrong all the time with everybody all across the world? why no one calls why no one messages.
And apart from that, he thought maybe success would be his friend, but even she eluded him.
Every time he thought he is almost there and that too he gets bogged down in such a manner that is crushing not just small setbacks or hindrance.
.
.
it is all way down the ladder it’s like being 98 on the snakes and ladders and u get 1 once the dice and u get rolled down to 1.
.
never ending story.
.
You will not believe people stop talking coz I messaged them saying that pls talk or message when u get a chance.
.
.
When you are free.
And they block him.
.
.
Saying you are irritating.
You are being pushy.
.
.
you are clingy.
.
.
yes he was clingy coz he didn’t have many to cling on to.
.
.
yes he meshed or got upset when u dun message coz there is no else to talk to.
.
You people might have 1000messages to reply or talk.
.
.
he has 0.
.
.
so he thinks of talking who give him even a simmer of hope.
.
.
you have to reply 1000 people he only have to wait for one message so he is clingy or you think in that manner… but all he gets is blocked or please don’t message.
Still putting up a brave face.
Trying to calm down the situation and says that it is ok.
.
.
I am a friend and no matter what I will bug u with a smile and in a completely lighter note and make things normal, what he gets in return?.
Blocked! You are never serious.
But no one understands that I was trying to lighten the mood, not trying to sound fat skinned… (These are regular instances.
.
.
not just one experience.
it is a never-ending story.
.
.
but this how it usually panes out barring some differences.
.
.
)
From past Gf till all the friends.
.
.
Always misunderstood and the worst part.
.
.
apart with all the feelings people say he is practical.
.
.
he is to open minded.
.
.
he doesn’t care about anything.
.
.
I am ready to freaking die and kill for my loved ones and it a totally opposite impression I have that I dun care.
I mean seriously.
.
.
the effects in the initial phases were lesser as the age was ripe and there was no time to dwell on things.
.
.
but now at 30.
.
.
The depression has started to kick.
.
.
was jabbing the way forward.
.
.
but now at around 13, I am tired.
.
.
I am weak.
.
.
can’t take the constant brutal punches.
.
.
still try to remember the words of rocky balboa.
"Keep moving forward".
.
.
but I am losing hope.
.
.
I am losing myself.
.
.
I am running out of positivity to keep myself motivated.
.
.
have a wife.
.
.
about have a kid in 4 months.
.
.
In addition, parents who love me.
Yes, the worst part.
Only kid to parents.
.
.
so you know.
.
.
that Bollywood movies dialogues and all.
Not a good kid.
.
.
not a good friend.
.
.
not a good husband.
.
.
not a good person.
.
.

I don’t know why.
.
.
what happened.
.
.
I am a completely opposite person of what I am portrayed in front of others or what they think of me.
.
.
this is not me guys.
It is not me.
.
.
I feel I have lost it.
.
.
coz I realize now.
.
.
the words of Hitler come to my mind.
That "when u lie a 1000 times, it becomes a truth".
.
.
I have heard so many times that.
.
.
I am bad.
.
.
I am ruthless.
I dun care.
I am not serious.
I am jealous of my friends.
.
.
that slowly I am into believing that maybe these others saw things that I could not.
.
.
but yes.
I genially am not jealous.
.
.
I still get happy when I see my friends in Australia buy cars bikes and us and go on vacations.
.
.
I feel happy.
.
.
we boarded the same planes.
.
.
they ended up millionaires and I m in debt of a lac RS.
.
.
but that is life.
.
.
I understand.
.
.
but with such negative constant negativity for 5 years.
.
.
Have taken its toll now.
.
.

The current scenario is I am having hyperthyroid.
.
.
my weight was 73 when I came back from states, .
now at 103.
.
.
At age 30.
.
.
Inner depression.
.
.
insomnia.
Bleak future.
.
.
losing hope.
.
.
goals are becoming bleak.
.
.
Losing transparency.
.
.
cant go for suicide coz has family and after marriage a kid on the way, it was and never will an option.
I will not back out that is for sure.
.
.

It just that.
.
.
I cannot see my family like this.
.
.
my father is a teacher.
.
.
his students.
.
.
when meets him after some years.
.
.
they talk about how amazing their lives are.
.
.
Doctors.
.
.
lawyers, It professionals.
.
.
foreign millionaires.
.
.
and the look in his eyes when he comes home and talks about their success stories.
.
.
that feeling of repent.
That question in his eye when he looks at me.
.
.
that pierces my heart like no other thing.
.
.
it is like.
.
.
he is saying.
.
.
YOU FUCKED UP.
.
.
he is very kind and still loves me unconditionally.
But I know.
After all, he is human.
.
.
he has his expectations and that too after investing so much in me.
.
.
and being the only kid.
.
.
when the students of his from my age ask him, sir, what is your son doing.
He has no answer.
Just doing a job in an IT company.
.
.
Making peanuts.
.
.
I have no skills.
All the energy I had is dead.
.
.
I cannot muster the thought of doing something no matter how much positive I wake up.
.
.
in the morning.
.
.
in 2 hours, I am back to shithole.
.
.

There is so much to write.
.
.
but I guess I'll leave it as a cliffhanger.
.
.
like I dunno when and how will I end up.
.
.
I know.
.
.
no one is going to read this far and such long answer.
.
.
but if u made it this far.
Thank you for everything.
.
.
u knows more about me than anybody else on planet earth.
.
.
(I did not realize when I switched from 3rd person narrative until 1st person.
.
.
).
.
.

PS – I am not looking for sympathy, help, or support.
Even today, I am at work typing this thing.
.
.
and u know what.
.
.
still no one noticed.
.
.
I guess it sums up a lot.
I cried a bit still no one noticed and the closest colleague sits is 2 meters away! P
PSS – did not intend to spoil your day.
With such a depressing post.
.
.
However, if you have someone who messages.
.
.
you.
.
.
all the time please give a damn.
.
.
they might be an option in your life.
.
.
but you might be a priority in theirs.


I wanna share a secret.
Something that i've never told anyone, something that you'll never be able to guess if you ever meet me.

I am miserable and so unhappy with my life.
Everyday i put on a happy smile, pretending that my life is going okay.
That i am having a great time, that i am a happy, optimistic, strong and confident person.

When someone complains, i tell them to ‘be optimistic’, when someone is insecure, i tell them to ‘love yourself’, when someone is sad, i tell them ‘everything is going to be fine’.
I tell others not to hold grudges, to get over it, to enjoy life, when in fact i am the one who can't let go.
I believe none of the things i ever tell people.

I am just so sick and tired of my life, of this world, of just existing in general.
Every single day, every single minute, i keep wishing i was dead.
Even when i am surrounded by my family or friends, even when i am ‘happy' or having a good time, the thought doesn't leave my mind.

And no, nothing's wrong with my life.
It not exactly perfect but its not bad either.
I know some people out there have it worse, that i should consider myself lucky.
When i think about it, i feel ashamed for even complaining or feeling sad.

But i can't help it.
Nothing is going to change how i feel, nothing.
No amount of money, company, knowledge, looks or medicine can change how i feel.
Infact i don't even wish for any of that.
I just want to end this miserable existence that is my life.

I want to disappear, like boom! just disappear and cease to exist.
I don't want to got to heaven or hell or even reincarnate.
I want my body, my soul, my everything to disappear.
That is my only wish.

If it was up to me, i would've died a long long time ago.
But i am too much of a coward to commit suicide.
As a religious person, i am scared of going to hell.
I mean what's the point of me killing myself if i am gonna end up alive again somewhere else, not to mention all the suffering i'll receive in hell.

So no, suicide is not an option for me.
I want to leave this world so badly, yet the only way out for me is closed.
So now, all i can do is continue living this miserable existence that is my life and hope that the day of my death comes soon.


If I say I am happy, no one will read this.
That seems to be the sad truth: Everyone writes and reads about misery.
It's tragic that there is so much of it to write and read about.

But I AM happy.
I feel a bit guilty about how happy I am.
But, I haven't always been happy.
Who has? We could all write all day about the losses, the deaths, the heart ache.
I have those stories too.
But it's because I have those stories that I can appreciate how happy I am now.

It's nothing remarkable.
I haven't won the lottery or been given a magic genie.
But it has all been shit for a long time, and for ages I was crying and people would say 'It will get better' and I'd say 'When?' And of course no one had the answer.
But I have the answer now.
And it is, now.
Now it is better.
That shitty patch, that bad time, it has passed.
And, as with all healing, it happened so gradually I didn't even notice, until I suddenly realised, oh my god, I've made it.

I don't really do the write-your-heart-out stuff.
I bottle up.
A lot.
Keep those bad feelings inside and shut them away.
But I have learned to talk to a few people close to me, people I trust and love.
I have poured my heart out to them.
I am grateful to them, and grateful that time does heal wounds.
I'm writing this in bed, in the morning, and there is so much to be thankful for.
Happiness is indeed very fleeting, one must grasp it and acknowledge it when it happens.
But what makes me so happy now is that I know that when it has passed I will go back to a place of calm and peace.
Pearson progress is so gradual.
I am grateful just to be here.


Yep! But, heads up for the trigger alert!
It was just four days before my seventeenth birthday.
I’m a really suicidal person.
The week was a really depressing one, everyday, as usual, I had a fight with my parents.
I’m torn already.
I felt tired of all the shouts and all the sad and bad feelings we exchanged.
My parents and I didn’t have what you call an ideal relationship.
They are not my friends, they had said.
They are just my parents, the people who will straighten me out in life.

I was very depressed after one particular fight and my sister had gone home late so I was blamed for being a careless sister, for not being beside my sister.
How can a busy senior student (who is also a busy club president and has, for the first time in her secondary years, has achieved a failing grade in Pre- Calc) be able to handle a fifteen year old with mood swings? How?
It was terrifying.
I searched up how to tie a noose or a Hangman’s Rope and practiced on all the long cloth ties in my room.
I had plenty of those, mostly for tying the curtain, now for my neck.

I didn’t make a letter.
I had my diary.
I had everything I felt there.
And, I liked the mystery.
I wanted people to suffer, I honestly did.
I wanted people to care.
I wanted to spark something.
I was tired.
I was tired of everything.
I was tired of holding in feelings for over five years now.
I was tired.
I just want to disappear from this world.

I tied the noose in front of the bunk bed my sister and I shared (she slept in the top bunk so if I hung myself, yep, she would see my head hanging and I hated that thought) and stepped on my wooden chair, looking at the circle the noose made.
I was afraid.
I was gambling a lot for this.
Can I do this?
I hanged my head and let go of the chair, my feet separating from the wooden chair and meeting the air, the nothingness.
I struggled for a while but remembered people.
I remembered unfinished goals, homework and dates.
I easily grabbed to the bunk bed and slightly struggled with removing the noose I had around my neck but once I got rid of it I wanted to lie down and breathe in and out.
It was a superb experience.
An experience only the bunk bed and the ancient chair of mine knows.

I grabbed a can of beer from the fridge and gulped it down alone.

I was intoxicated, depressed, alive, and now seventeen.


Here i would like to write what i am feeling right now.

Currently i am in my office and continuously thinking about one guy.

I have met him through one social media platform like 8 months ago and from past 5–6 months we are in touch on daily basis as once he liked my picture of my trip and everything begins from there.
when we started talking i was suffering from loneliness and i wasn’t got over from my past yet.

We are very different in all the perspective like from different state, different languages, different taste , different likes and dislikes , different thinking, different lifestyle.
Its like is he is south pole and i am north pole.

I am quite talkative with him where he is silent, I am sweet he is rude, I am filmohoilc while he don’t like to watch movie much , I can not stand dominance of anyone and he is dominating .

But you know what people say that “ Opposite attracts “
And i guess that is exactly what have happened here I am attracted by more of his rudeness and dominance rather than anything else as i never showed much care to me.

After he liked my one picture so much and then we started chatting a lot and one fine day he video called me and i liked it as that call was not expected because i was expecting a normal call.

After some calls i got a chance where i was alone at my place and we had a video call.
Till that time we were having normal regular chat and even normal video calls just like friends have.
But that day something changed we end up talking dirty and get laid by the situation as no one was at home so no need to worried if mom find me talking to somebody at midnight.

Next day i was kinda happy because i think i have started liking him and on the other side he was not happy as he started feeling guilty for whatever he did.

It took 3 days for him to get normal i still remember the date which was 25th January and i was sad for 3 days and when he got normal i feel like i was happiest person as i did not want to loose him.

Now after that we had couple of sessions like that whenever we got chance on video call and every time i started him liking more.
And one fine day i asked him as what is our relation and what does he feels about me.

So he said he can not develop any feelings for me and don’t feel that connection and our relation if you say so its more like a friends with benefits.
This line really hurt me from the core as my whole life i was never in favor of “ Friends with benefits “ concept and right now i am in this concept.

I started feeling very worthless after that as i never liked it so i cleared him everything that we can not have such sessions because whenever we have such sessions i get more connect with you emotionally and on the other side you can not develop any so we should remain as a friends and behave like a friends and he agreed for that.

Now again before 2 days we were talking on video call and he wanted to have some good time and then i explained him as it will be worse for me as i can’t keep thinking about him and be in this one sided feeling.
After some time he confessed that he also liked me and said i love you which i never said as i was not sure as it was love or infatuation but i used to like him.
Now i just could not believe my ears as he never reciprocate my feelings and now suddenly he said i love you was not at all easy for me to digest.
I was not even know that what am i supposed to react.
.
i mean should i be happy or sad.
.

When i asked him that why he suddenly said such things so he said that he knows about our situation as nothing is possible and circumstances won’t allow us to commit each other and i completely agree with him.

But now the problem is i have always liked him and i used to convince myself that nothing can happen as it is one sided.
But now if he is saying true then i can not control the thoughts which are going into my mind.
Now i feel like i am stuck i mean it would have been better if he has not confessed his feelings.

Its been 2 days now after that session and there was not a single minute where i didnt think about him i mean i am imagining future with him which is not possible because i don’t think we have that strong love to remain strong after every odds will come into our life if we decides to be together.


Student Counseling Services: Do they really help the 'mentally ill' ?
Let me begin by a story.

Once upon a time, in a college, there was a boy and a girl.
Both strangers, the boy and the girl, were passing thorough the university corridor, when they bumped into each other.
The boy fell down.
The girl fell down.
When they got up and saw each other, it was love at the first sight.
And after that they started spending their time together.
Many months passed.
The boy finally proposed the girl.
But the girl rejected her.
She broke his heart.
The boy wasn't able to face this rejection.
He slipped into depression.
He started taking drugs, alcohol, cigarette to escape from his depression.
His academic performance went down.
His mentor(senior) saw his behavior.
The mentor(senior) took him to the counseling center.
He received some counseling at the counseling center.
The things started improving.
He started to attend classes again, went to the library, and started scoring good marks.
He quit drugs, smoking, and alcohol.
He overcame his broken heart.
He became happy again.
He graduated from the university.
Happy Ending.

This was the story which was shown to me on the orientation day through a video when I came to the university as a freshman.
I was just 17 years old then.
This was the image in my mind before visiting the counseling center: the center helps the students when they are going through a tough time, that the center tries to solve the root cause of the problems of the students, that the center is purely confidential and the personal information is not shared with anyone.
Overall the center had a good image of them in my mind.

But I have realized now that it was just a marketing strategy employed by the counseling center to attract the troubled students.
There are many strategies employed by the counseling center people to attract students example:- showing this video which do not give the real picture of functioning of the counseling center.

Many people including my seniors and juniors do not know the reality about the counseling center.
Whenever they see someone struggling thorough their inner problems, they would advise to visit the counseling center.
The reason being the conditioning of students by the college and the counseling center by their utopian propaganda.

What I have experienced: confidentiality is a myth in the counseling center.
They say that your personal information is not shared with anybody.
Anybody means ANYBODY.
What they don't say that they are allowed to break confidentiality when they see you as a threat to yourself (like the possibility of committing suicide) or to others.
Generally they contact the parents of the students whom they think might need some psychiatric help.

Back then I was an optimistic person.
I used to think that counseling center would help me to resolve my inner conflicts.
That visiting the center would do some good to me.
I have realized that most mainstream “mental health” is more damaging than helpful.

Then is visiting to the counseling center a good option: I would say No.
There are better options available.

The decision of visiting the counseling center has played a very crucial role in my life.

Earlier, I did not think that there would be any stigma attached with the counseling center.
I thought all sort of people go to the counseling center.
It was also written on the university website that people who visit the counseling center aren't mad or weak rather they show some willingness to solve their problems.
I never have realized the stigma until I went myself there.

I went to the counseling center of my home university.
It was like giving my future into somebody else's hand.

So I reached the counseling center.
I met the student counselor.
She handed over me a form in which I had to fill some questionnaire.
We had some conversation most of the details I didn't remember.
When I filled the form she asked me the contact number of my friend.
I gave the contact number of my senior(a girl) to the counselor.
The counselor called my senior to come around 4'O clock.

These days if the student counselors saw any problem with a student visiting the center, they send him/her to the see the psychiatrist.

The counselor told my senior that I needed help.
And if Deans saw me in this condition, Deans would told me to go home.
They were there to 'help' me.
So the duty of the senior girl was to take me to the hospital and to see the psychiatrist.
And that day I and the psychiatrist had a long conversation, but in the end he prescribed me some sort of anti-psychotics.
Now I had to take the anti-psychotics.

The night I received a call from the senior saying according to the counselor I had to go back home because it was vacation and I not had been allowed to stay alone in the campus.
I had to leave the campus and came back with my parents when the semester would start.

You see, when you reach the counseling center, they can even interfere in your personal life and the college life.
You have disclosed your most valued secrets to somebody and somebody used your secrets.

What is the better option instead of visiting the counseling center: Do seek any professional help if you need but don't go somewhere your information might be used against you.
Visiting a therapist outside the campus is no problem because at least they could not interfere in your college life and could not put restrictions on your freedom.

I had not told my parents about me taking medications, visiting the counseling center, and the psychiatrist.

I took medication for some days and I was feeling different.
It was as if someone had put tape to my mouth that I could not smile much.
I was feeling side effects of the medications.
I visited the counseling center to tell the counselors that I am feeling the side effects of the medications.
They did not believe me.
They thought that it was the disease returning.
They thought that I was not taking my medications.
So they called my parents.

My parents arrived and they were told to sign a semester withdrawal form.
The reason which was given by the counseling center people to my parents was that my mental state could go worse if I stayed here.
They were forcing me to take semester withdrawal.
The counseling center among all the universities have the same policy.
Students are told to leave when they feel suicidal or mentally troubled.
Me and my parents did not like the idea of semester withdrawal.
We thought it would be better to consult the psychiatrist.
I had good grades.
The psychiatrist based on my previous academic records told me not to take the semester withdrawal as I can perform good in the semester.
So I did not take the semester withdrawal.

But my parents were told to stay with me in the apartments inside the college so that one of my parents (my mother) could monitor me taking the medications.
I had to vacate the hostel.
I feel it as a discrimination against the people with a mental illness.

The counseling center people are so smart that they even signed my signature and my parents signature on an application written in first person, from my point of view, saying that I take the responsibilities of all my actions.
That meant if I committed suicide by chance, the center had the record so that no blame could be put on the college administration.
What I feel is that they were trying to protect the college's reputation in case I committed suicide.
However, I did not think they helped even a little bit of me in resolving my conflicts.

They just give the semester withdrawal so that you can swallow the medications at your home.
(Taking a semester withdrawal on this basis is not a good option.
They won't return you your tuition fees if you took a semester withdrawal mid-way.
And maximum that can happen when you don't take a semester withdrawal is that you fail every course, means no credit passed in the semester.
You would not get any course credit too if you take the semester withdrawal.
) And the next semester when you came back to join the institute again, you are required to meet the counselor to prove that you are in good mental condition to continue your studies.
You would have to submit your medical report to the counselor.

Counseling center people argued that so many people came to the counseling center to visit and given the number of students visiting the counseling center and number of counselors, solving everyone's problem would take much longer time.
It is not possible to help each and everybody effectively.
I agree on this point.

Do I regret going to counseling center ?: Yes, I do.

Was my inner conflicts resolved ?: No.

Was my privacy intruded by the counseling center ?: Yes, many-a-times.

Were other students told about my mental illness ?: Yes.

Was my confidentiality broken ?: Yes, many-a-times.

Do they really help the 'mentally ill' ?: Not to the core.

What counseling center generally do:
Give you a semester withdrawal (sometimes forced semester withdrawal).

Give you an accommodation where you can live with your one of your parent who can monitor you taking medications.
(sometimes forcing students to take medications)
Keeping your personal medical records with them.

Would I recommend anybody to visit the counseling center: Not highly recommended.
Proceed at your own risk.

See Also:
Mad in America – Science, Psychiatry and Social Justice
Feeling Suicidal, Students Turned to Their College.
They Were Told to Go Home.

Student sues Princeton University, says the school discriminated against him after suicide attempt
How Colleges Flunk Mental Health


From the experiences of my life so far, it would be easy to complain, however, this is a tragic remembrance day, the 27th of January 2019.
Watching the Church Without Walls on Revelation TV today, I saw sickening archive material concerning the evils of Mankind.

Regardless of how positive I choose to be in my own life, plus any good works that I do, I have also been reminded throughout this week of the subject of abortion.
The Andrew Wommack shows on Revelation TV compelled me to see that nobody on this planet is truly safe.
I’ve donated money to abort67 today on the basis that even in the UK we need to reconsider the tragedies all around us.

On another level, Revelation TV had a devotional by Charles Stanley concerning suicide.
The people on planet Earth are on an emotional roller-coaster of love and hate, love and hate.

Have you seen the TV adverts asking for us to help charities for people and for animals and for saving the planet as well? Have you contributed any real hard cash to making the world a better place? I regret not being a billionaire every single day.
Just think what a billion people with a donation of £1 each could do… yet the superpowers are more interested in world domination than in world peace and world salvation.
So the suffering goes on… and on… and on…
At the moment, I’m one of the lucky ones.
I can pay my bills, just as long as I don’t get a girlfriend or get married or have any children.
Just as long as I don’t get insured or save up for my own funeral.
Just so long as I don’t get a car or a mortgage or go on holiday.
I don’t have a bucket list mentality.
I don’t want or need to climb Mount Everest.
I just want to have some money available to give to charity now and then.
So I act like Ebenezer Scrooge most of the time in order to do that later… Giving to charity is the nearest thing I get to happiness…


When do you wish you were single ?
Have you ever wished you were single ?
When you miss your lunch to buy med for him,and he leaves you for a fun trip with pocket full of cash.

The only reason you remain chubby is to avoid marriage proposals from other guys and he fantasize another girl,the girl being your slim best friend day and night .

He leaves as he wishes and comes as he wishes
The only intimacy you have is when he feels like it
He is in a sweet oblivion while you toil day and night worrying about your future together
The value of money can be understood only if it's earned
Be worthy of a relationship ,if you feel you are not
Only anger that is valid is yours
Your dick gets hard at every other chick.

Love makes you a coward
Love makes you a foolish coward
Love turns you into everything you wish you werent
Love kills .
day by day.
inch by inch.
Second by second
But they say,love is meant to heal,to cure ,to heal ,to heal,to heal.

The days ,the days when I cry myself to sleep when you lie besides me
The days when I've cried myself to sleep because you are not beside me
The days when I've cried myself to sleep not wanting to lie beside you .

Maybe the fault is with me
I crossed that thin line between love and obsession.
.
may be I am turning into an obsessive psychopathic lover.

You are not a cure to my madness
I am never a cure for your madness
You know what hurts me the most ?
The fact that you will do things to me that I'll never do to you
You are ready to hurt me in ways i would have never dared to hurt you
Your wish is my command
Your words are my gospel
And ,and you cringe when I disagree
You cringe at my laughs,my anger ,my tears
Most of all,my tears
They are my best friend
Don't you dare tell me they are fake !
Dont you ever dare call me fake.

My love will take revenge.

Loving you even more is my only revenge.


I could write a book about my feelings.
At the present i am feeling very fortunate and grateful.
I came back home to Massachusetts 2 yrs ago.
I lived in Arizona for quite a while.
While i was in Arizona my life wasn't so great.
I had a serious addition problem which i have conquered in the last 8 yrs.
When i lived in Arizona i wasn't around very good company i guess you could say.
I was constantly being ripped off to the point i lost my apartment.
The one thing that hurt the most of everything leading up to me losing all was my dog.
When i lost my apartment i had thought he'd be safe with a roof over his head.
I left him with an acquaintance and they traded him for drug's.
You asked if i'd write my feelings.
Well for the last week all i can think about is my dog.
It's been 4 yrs since he was stolen.
We had a bond like no other, a bond i couldn't find in anyone ever.
I said the last week but it is all the time i think about him.

This week i happen to be very sad about him.
I've tried to find him by posting on FB and offering a reward to no avail.
From the time he was stolen actually while he was at this person's home i was looking for an apartment.
Everytime my check came in which was once a month it got stolen, the first 2 month's it never failed.
If i hadn't put myself around the type of people i was around i would still have him.
I managed to share an apartment with someone i knew after he was gone for a couple of yrs.
And saved money and came home.
I had lost touch with my best friend in this time or everything would have worked out different and i would still have him.
I said i am feeling fortunate, yes, i am.
And grateful yes, i am.
I was able to get my own place.
Start another business.
I was in business before my addiction took off.
I did start my business again this year, a canteen truck.
I also lost it this year one of my sister's was driving and totalled my truck.
I'm grateful we weren't hurt and nobody else was.
I am also grateful my bill's are paid and i don't ever have to worry about being ripped off again.
I own another truck that being my personal vehicle.
I am fortunate to have met a good man who love's me very much.
As you can see i am not a writer by any means i came across your question and thought i would respond.
Anyway i guess my point is i am happy and sad.
The sad is really got me today about my dog.
As much as i have accomplished in the last 4 yrs.
I should not even look back.
I feel like a part of me is missing.
No matter what i have or whatever i do i can't get over the loss of my pet.
I have a wonderful life now and just wish it was complete.
Maybe someday i won't stop looking for my dog even though i am 3000 miles away now, i will definitely drive back to Arizona to get him if i ever get that lucky.
Oh his name is Monster he's a brindle pit in February the 28th to be exact he'll be 7 yrs old.
Just thought i would throw that in.
So those are my feelings.
Best Wishes to you.


I am self dependent & complicated girl.

I am interest to learns new things, meet new people, write something like what i am feeling.

when i gets angry, then usually i express my anger through my writing.

Those i used to make new friend, but i am not addicted to them.
If my friends or close one leaves me then i don’t cry, instead of that ….
.
i take that incidence positively, learns to live without them !!
Life is really beautiful & at the very early stage of my life i realize it !!
I never want to be a weak girl, so i prefer to stay happy and independent.

My favorite line is….
“ I am lone now & Forever” & this statement makes me more stronger because i accept reality.


Life is unfair In all aspects.
This is my request to all those married people if you are planning to have a baby/kid in the future, kindly have your health, psychology checked up.
I'm not fucking around, but, be precise with your decision of becoming parents because parenting is not for everyone's cup of tea.
You all might be enjoying or having a great time thinking by yourself that having kids and all is a social prestige, hierarchical shit, etc, but your one decision might make or ruin a kids life.
I am from India and my parents have one of the unhealthiest lifestyle in the past, themselves being full of faulty genes, incurable diseases, improper diet, brainwashed illogical and conventional teachings, etc, which has really affected me badly.
I'm a guy, aged 24, suffering from psoriasis, asthma, early stage laryngeal cancer, arthritis and what not undiscovered health fiascos.
My mother has Asthma, father is diabetic and from what I researched, this problems are genetic and now the responsibility to carry out this auspicious legacy has turned me into total disappointment for self as well as for my parents.
I don't know why they are disappointed, the main reason for this fuck up won't be the invisible man, I suppose.
Psoriasis ruined my life since my high school, made me lose my confidence and concentration over studies, and my graduation was just like hiding my face all through the busy street of attractive and smart species.
I really feel bad I couldn't do much during my graduation days, I was phenomenal at playing Badminton and Quizzing (atleast people around complemented), but fear of humiliation and inappropriate comments made me to sit back behind those four walls.
Now after graduation, my parents fucked me up by not allowing me to pursue job, and to focus for government jobs and MBA, which was never my priority.
It's been 2 years almost, since I hardly met anyone or pursue any hobby, I'm unemployed and total disappointment for self, moreover sitting at home and writing this piece of shit.
I really felt at times, I should commit suicide or run away from everything.
But, doing such things won't make much difference and would be totally unfair for the world.
I really feel bad for my parents because they are lousy immature creatures who never had proper conversation with me, apart from forcing me to study and eating stuffs all the time, they never have anything factual or materialistic to talk about.
I feel totally bad for them because they want to be parents, but they don't feel the things the right way.
I don't know, may be I'm wrong in every aspect, but they fucked me up psychologically, mentally, health wise and physically.
Sorry for the nonsensical blarb, there's a lot going on but still I got to carry on my composure even being virtually anonymous.
At the end, they are parents, they are God, because in India, being atheist is social crime and what all bullshit!


Yes.
.
I really need to.
.
please read it and give some advice.
especially men because they only know what’s going their fellow’s mind.

I met a guy for a marriage.
We had long conversation about two hours.
Our interests, hobbies, nature all were matching.
We talked so much on random topics.

He dropped me on station and I asked him to inform me about his decision.
He said yes.
will let you know.

But he didn’t inform me.

So I thought may be he is not interested and I left that topic.
After 15 days he pinged me and said that u didn’t message me anything, did not call me so I thought you are not interested and keep on talking that I liked you, you are so beautiful, the way you talk, the way you behave, i like each and every thing about you.
I was just lost into you.

Again I thought that was miscommunication between us and now everything is clear.
He told me we should meet once again and let’s discuss further about marriage.

I said okay.

After that, we met once again but we didn’t discuss single thing about our marriage.
He was telling me about his past.
He loves one girl and she is saying no to him because her boyfriend ditched her.
So she does not want to get into all this again.

After listening his story I felt that he truly loves her and he should try once again for her.

I thought this because for the first time in my life, I liked someone so much and that too in only first meeting.
I wanted him to be happy.
So after going home I told him to try for her by writing a long message.

I just don’t understand these guys problem.
He didn’t replied me for about a month.

And now four days before he pinged me again saying that he is missing me so much and please meet me.
So met him again for only 15 minutes and he was saying sorry I didn’t replied you.
I got blank after reading your message and I was thinking to try once again.
I put your message on my status by hiding your name.
The girl who he loved replied on that status was sort of like this “Who is she to decide what our relation could be? if she is feeling so bad about you, ask her to marry you”
I was speechless when I heard that.
He left that topic and trying to move on.

But now I am not understanding what I should do? why he was missing me? He is not telling directly anything.
Last night at 2.
45 am he messaged me that your DP is nice.
I am not understanding what’s going on his mind? Though I like him but I should know what he is thinking? And I don’t have courage to ask him directly anything?
What you guys are feeling after reading this? Is he interested in getting married with me or not?

Updated: 17.06.2019 — 3:31 pm

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